Content note: This essay talks about the sexual side effects of going off transgender male hormone therapy.
I've stopped testosterone altogether as of this week. I'm actually not quite done with the bottle, but... I just needed to stop and get it over with. As of right now it's been about two and a half weeks without any hormones. My hot flashes have been very manageable. I've been taking two doses of Black Cohosh daily, once in the morning and once at night (this variety that I got off Amazon). Right now I overall feel pretty good, although it's very early. I have heard from some people who went off hormones that they were absolutely miserable until their estrogen levels returned to their pre-testosterone levels, which might happen in the future, but hasn't yet.
Last night I noticed an effect that I really hope is permanent: My sexual sensitivity level went up.
Hormones do weird things to the way your genitals feel during sex acts. I had a high libido before hormones, so I thought I'd be able to handle it very easily, but it turns out that testosterone often makes your sex drive ridiculous. Its not necessarily that you want sex more--I wanted actual sex less--but I wound up with just tremendous urges to orgasm that were incredibly frustrating.
At the same time, my sensitivity level especially in my genitals declined significantly. So I experienced clit/penis growth and was able to get a harder erection, but it didn't feel as good and it took longer for me to reach orgasm. What used to take ten minutes started taking twenty or thirty if not more, and by the end I was so raw that it made having somebody else try to bring me to orgasm was a chore more than anything else (definitely for me and probably for them, too). They'd work on me until I went totally numb and frustrated and I'd have to finish myself, and quite frankly it was often painful at that point, like rubbing itchy skin until it blisters. And even doing it alone, when I can do literally whatever I want to myself, there was no way to make it feel as good I remembered it being.
Last night I used a vibrator and found that it felt extremely familiar, like it felt like using a vibrator pre-testosterone, where it wasn't just trying to hit the right buttons to orgasm, but it actually felt good and appealing before that point.
Sexual sensitivity is something trans men don't really talk about too much, but there's a correlation as well to what trans women experience. Hormones for both of us are a trade-off, and a trans woman who goes on estrogen may very well lose the ability to sustain an erection while also having more appealing sensitivity.
This might seem counterintuitive because of the cultural myths we have about sex in general. We associate a harder dick with more arousal, but mechanical physical arousal is just not the same as how sex actually feels to a person. And this feels much better, so I'm quite happy with it.
A change that hasn't seemed to come yet but hopefully will in the future? Vaginal penetration actually hurts me. It never did pre-hormones, but testosterone thins the vaginal wall and decreases the amount of lubrication. Recently a partner accidentally poked in there... it wasn't even a huge insertion, but it still hurt so bad I basically shrieked. The one time post-hormonally I tried letting someone in there I bled. It's not a very good situation.
There was an issue last night with a weird cramp that reminded me of when I'd start a period. I don't think it's early enough for that, but I've been carrying around a menstrual cup just in case. The only problem is I don't know how long it'll be before I can handle a menstrual cup, so I still need to make some menstrual pads to deal with that. I'm hopefully going to do that today, but it depends on how the rest of my chores go as I did wake up quite late today.
Anyway, that's all for now. Happy trails,